Umm….Thank You???

So this was a busy weekend for women. Worldwide they marched for basic fundamental rights like right to abortion, right to go out at night, wear what they want and all that shit (Yeah, that’s 2017 for you!). On New Year’s Eve, women were molested publicly in Bangalore and Delhi and the next two days #NotAllMen trended on Twitter (oh no! many just stood there and watched! They didn’t do anything to get a bad name!); as soon as Trump became President, he signed a global gag order on abortion (his team didn’t have any uterus to mess things up); Gladys Berejiklian was asked why she was unmarried and childless 15 minutes after being elected unopposed as leader of the parliamentary NSW Liberal Party (Purpose of uterus, duh!). So all in all, it was business as usual.

There was another protest happening in the meantime. That was for Jallikatttu, a traditional sport in Tamil Nadu involving Bos indicus, an indigenous breed of bull that is released into the crowds and the human participants try to grab the hump with both arms and hang on to it for more than 30 seconds while the bull attempts to escape. Now, while there is a debate going on about animal cruelty during the sports and treatment of the bull, another argument is for saving a traditional sport that has been practiced since 400-100 BC.  No, I am not going to weigh in on that as I am not informed enough to say what’s right. But another news made headline during the weeklong peaceful protests in Marina Beach of TN where thousands of men and women of all age has gathered to protest the ban on the sport. That was about how safe women were during that time staying all night at the beach and not a single untoward incident being reported. I saw that and scrolled through. This was not something that made any lasting impression on me or affected me in any way. But on a hindsight, it should have.

I get vocal (on social media though. Yes, I am guilty of armchair activism and not very proud of it) when any crime against women take place. Before you ask, YES I am a feminist and NO, I don’t believe all men are same. Why would I even stereotype when I have met women more misogynist than men! But being an educated person, I should present both side of the argument ‘coz that is the full truth, right? Right! But when something as big as the Jalikattu protest happened, I didn’t hail the women safety during it. (Wait! Before you say anything, I am NOT making this about women. Jallikattu is ONLY about Tamil tradition and identity, and may also be about animal cruelty but no way about women). I would not have either because I didn’t think it was a news. Would my breathing become a news? Then why does my going out at 12 in the night becomes one? Would it be the same for a guy? He can’t get any attention no matter what he does! And that’s the tragedy!

When we talk so much about equality, why can’t we practice that? Going out half naked is perfectly normal for a guy but not for a girl. Why? Because she has breasts? And what about the manboobs she has to endure? There are no excuses even for that! Whenever anything bad happens, it is easily blamed on western culture and girls blindly following that. Why do you send your children to English medium schools then? Why do you feel proud when your kids speak fluent English? Those are from Western culture too! We want our women in saris and men conveniently wear shirts and pants. They don’t get raped, groped or molested left, right and centre! No, this is not about clothes, this is about decency and self-control. Either you have it or you don’t!

I guess I got deviated from the topic. Well this argument about clothes always fires me up! Anyways, back to the wonderful display of women safety in TN. Do I appreciate it? Yes. But no, I still am not going to applaud it because nothing exemplary happened in TN! This is not the kindergarten where everyone wins a prize for participating. Women have as much right to come out and protest without feeling threatened as men! And that’s the tragedy! What should be normal becomes exemplary! Women protesting overnight along with men becomes headlines! Are we that regressive? Are we moving backwards now? May be we are. I don’t underestimate the progress that TN showed and neither do I condemn making it headlines. Because, definitely the rest of the country needs to see and learn. And THAT exactly is the problem! How many men will feel unsafe attending a women’s march? How many men are scared of unknown women in the streets late at night? How many guys get scared asking lift late at night for the same reason a woman does? I, as a woman, cannot be proud of the state the country is in. It is good spreading the good examples but at the same time it should be emphasized that it should be the norm. But I guess we are still in that stage that we need to celebrate such acts. So umm…Thank You guys??

My words got all jumbled writing this. So in case I was not clear, I appreciate women’s safety during the Jallikattu protests but I also think this it is something that should be normal and not an example. The fact that it became one shows how regressive we are and as a nation how far we have to go!

Nothing expresses my feelings right now better that this sign held during the Women’s March.

Forever yours

One of the hardest things in life is going on after losing someone we love so much. Carrying on knowing that was it. The last time we met, we played together, had fun. Thinking maybe I could have done more to make life more comfortable for you, loved more may be if that was possible. Wishing we got to spend some more time together. Hoping you would come back. Missing that part of my heart that is forever gone with you. 

We are anything and anyone we meet, we love, we give our heart to and they become a part of us. Is it the other way round? Do they get a part of us too and carry it forever?  Remember us after a long time apart and recognize us and rejoice? I believe we all do once we love someone. So I know you will too because I know you loved me. May be more than I loved you.

You will never know this but I am forever indebted to you for so many reasons. I never knew I was even capable of loving so much or being so selfless. May be I will never again be so but with you everything was different. And that's why may be the hole you left in my heart is so big. I never knew I even could cry so hard for lost love. And it is actually all you. You left a part of you in me and that made me more human I guess. 

You know a strange thing? I took so many pictures of you but not in one do I have your face. People will say that is because of my horrible photography skills and I generally agree wholeheartedly, but in your case I like to think it is more because that was for my heart to capture and keep them in there forever. That playful face, the sleepy one, the mischievous one, the hungry frown - I will cherish all the shades forever.

But what's killing me is not knowing what happened. Where did you go? And why? Did someone take you or you lost the way? Did you eat? You are a really fussy eater you know! I hope you are with someone who will good care of you. I can't even bring myself to think otherwise. You were so fragile! I am sure someone saw you, fell in love with you like I did and took you with them. I hope you are not as miserable missing me as I am missing you. I am praying you are in good hands. And wish I could stop my tears. It's getting embarrassing now!

I always thought I would be the last person to fall in love with you. Since I was a little girl I have always wanted a pet. I have had day dreams about pets actually. But that was always about dogs. I was anything but a cat person. And around this time, busy with my thesis and everything, a pet was the last thing on my mind. But then you happened. I was going to the shop for some work and there you were on the road, soaking wet from the rain, shivering, and crawling, while the stray dog was crouching to bite you. You were so tiny, weak and fragile that you couldn't even stand on your legs. You looked like you have just opened your eyes and not more than 7-10 days old. Your mother was nowhere to be found. So I just took you and brought you home, wrapped you in a cloth, and made you a home in a shoe box. You were so scared that you won't even eat. I tried dropper, cotton soaked in milk, spoons but nothing worked. You took your time to come around and it broke my heart to see you like that. I had already fallen for you by then. Those blue eyes were captivating!

But you came around soon. My mother took you under her wings and within two days you were standing up, even trying to walk. One more day and you even came out of your box by yourself and started exploring around the house. Whenever you will see any of us, you will try to come and sit on our feet. That was your favorite plaything actually - trying to climb up my feet. It was so heartening seeing you regaining your strength and walking around the house on those tiny legs, mewing our ears off when you were hungry or needed a playmate, sleeping cozily wrapped in your blanket after each meal, waking us up at 5 in the morning because you needed to be fed. I loved it most during the evenings when I would sit on my table working and you will play around my foot. Just watching you play was so satisfying! We all were falling in love with you. I was totally in love. And how could I not? You didn't leave a choice anyways.

So what happened? It was just 7 days that I got to spend with you and I have never been in so much love or so much pain like I am in right now. I went out for some work and you just disappeared? My sister searched you everywhere in the house, in the neighborhood, on the streets but there was no sign of you anywhere. Did you run away? But you never even came down the stairs before, let alone go outside the gate. And you haven't even started eating solids. It is already night and by this time you would have drank milk at least thrice. I hope you are not hungry but I can't stop worrying! Every time I hear a sound outside I imagine it's you and go outside searching for you but in vain. I miss the way you would curl up on my feet every time I went near you, or try to crawl up my palm. Actually, I just miss everything about you and hoping against hope that you are fine and happy and cozily asleep right now. Your milk is still sitting in the cup here and your bed is waiting. So am I.

You are my first pet and very special one too. I will always regret that the time spent with you was so less but will always cherish the fact that you came to my life. You chose to stay with me for those 7 days and I am happy that you happened. I had thought of a name for you just before you chose to disappear. I imagined you growing up and growing old with me. I will continue imagining the same, just not together. Stay safe wherever you are. Stay healthy.

I will miss you forever. Or until we meet again.

Lots of love.

Sanitary napkin

Sanitary napkins.

Simple things, right?

Nope! A very big deal in India.

I remember when I was still in school, my mother used to buy them for me. I never ever bought them because I had no idea how to ask for them to a male shopkeeper. After school I moved to a different state for my graduation and was living in hostel and I had to buy them myself. Most of the time I will tell my friends to buy if they went out and if I had to buy, I will make sure not to go to the same shop again for a very long time. And it was not just me! I remember some of my friends used to bring six months’ worth of sanitary napkins from home so they don’t have to go to the shop to buy them.  During high school days, when someone said they bought their own pads, she would get the respect of a hero that day!

And this is so because menstruation/period is made a big deal. The hush-hush attitude has made it a taboo topic! I never knew about it from my mom but my friends. Fathers are not even part of any dicussions that remotely concern it!!  Since I got my period, I was never allowed to go anywhere near a temple during those 4-6 days because it is a sin. Before I got my periods, I have seen my mother would not enter the temple in our house for few days every month and me or my sister had to do the puja. So when I asked why, she would always say she was sick when she was exactly the opposite! Yeah, Hindu Gods are too touchy about it I guess. I wonder about the Goddesses though! Don’t they get their periods? If they do, are they moved out of their own temples during those few days? And if they don’t, doesn’t that mean they are sick? I would really like to know the answer but then again, whom do I ask about it? The priests are all male and if i still do, I will make sure I won’t be allowed inside temple premises for the rest of my life!

Actually, if that was all to it, I would have understood but it’s the hypocrisy that stings. As soon as a girl is born in an Indian family, no matter how educated or rich or modern they are, parents do think about her marriage. And the whole institution of marriage is about reproduction more than anything else, right? Because I see whenever anyone gets married, from the very next week all the aunties starts asking the girl ‘Are there any good news?’ I don’t understand, even if there was, how was it so “good” to many of them but more importantly, the guy never gets asked such questions! Anyways  , if the girl doesn’t get her periods, how will “good news” happen? And would we even exist if our mother’s ovaries were not functioning? But most importantly, a girl getting her periods regularly means she has a good health. So why would any educated person be ashamed of the signs of good health of their mother, sister, daughter or aunts? And why would you stop her from going to temple or entering the kitchen without taking bath or numerous other “don’ts” I don’t even know about when you should be celebrating it?

Am I getting too personal for some people’s taste? I am not sorry if I am though, because it is something we need to start having open conversations about. I know India is a land of hypocrites and when we can’t have sex education in schools being the second most populated country in the world, I really don’t expect things to change soon. But I believe our generation is changing and may be, things will be different in the next two or three decades. But things are not so good right now because, just yesterday, I went to the shop to buy sanitary napkins and when I asked for it, the guy next to me moved away from me (all the customers and the shopkeepers were men)! May be he did that to give me privacy but I don’t like being treated like I am buying drugs when I am buying something more important than the pack of cigarettes or packet of chips they were buying. I wouldn’t have talked about something so personal in a blog so public if it was a onetime thing either. It actually took me a lot of thinking and courage to put it online but I really feel I need to do it. And anyone who has bought sanitary pads knows how it is. The shopkeeper will first wrap the pack in newspaper and then in black polythene or brown paper bag and then hand them in a transparent/translucent plastic. Don't believe me? Watch this: Sanitary Pad is Shame? : Social Experiment. They take more caution selling sanitary napkins than they take selling booze to underage people! If that is not infuriating, what is?

Sadly, I still am not comfortable talking about periods to my mom or sister. Hypocritical may be, but I am just programmed that way now. It is not something that should be that way. This is a physical phenomenon as simple as breathing. As long as you are breathing, you are OK, when it stops, something is wrong. And believe me, we don’t enjoy it either and would rather not have it but the body of a woman is not made that way and so we put up with all the uncomfortable feelings, stomach cramps and mood swings. Simple things should be kept simple. If not talking about it could make it go away, no one would be happier than me. But it won’t. So let’s call a spade a spade and periods normal. I am not asking much. Just don’t stare or move away when I am buying sanitary pads. They are not drugs and neither is the condition communicable!

For the love of reading!!

Haven’t read a book in a long time. I mean a real book – the one in paper with the smell of the printed pages. It is nostalgic, it is beautiful, it is the best feeling in the world. They transport me to a different world – a world of possibilities where I can be whatever I want to be, go wherever I want to go. Yes, an ebook can do that too but for me, it does not have that magic. Turning the pages with anticipation, taking in the smell of the pages...a mobile, kindle, tab or laptop can never give me that. 

During this time of the year - when it is cold outside but warmed up by the sun during daytime, there is a smell of fog and the blooming flowers of Ber (Indian Jujube) - I miss my books more. Those school years when the exams are over and no worries about studying, the results won’t be out in another one month so no tension there and I would be sitting in the sun whole day till sun down with the novels, short stories and poetry books, that was the only time of the year when I could sit with my story books whole day and my parents won’t say a word. I would borrow books from relatives, from neighbors and voraciously gorge on them. During my B.Sc. days, I would have those days sometimes but never since I joined masters.  But still, every year as December approaches, the leaves start getting sparse in the trees, migratory birds starts flying around, the sun gets mellow, the fog starts to linger into the morning hours, all I want is to go back to those days.

On a similar but different note, I feel books make us aware – of ourselves, of others. They make us receptive, they make us listen and not just hear, see and not just stare. Books make us think about ourselves, about the world, why we are here. They give us a purpose in life. The collective intelligence of human kind is all there. It makes us evolve psychologically; inspire us to leave a legacy behind. My favorite teacher once told me, “Written words are what will be left behind you after you are gone, it will make you immortal and in the best possible way”. I got my purpose of life from the books I read. I am trying to be a better human being everyday because of the books I read. Another teacher of mine told me when I was in the 6^th standard, “A bee and a spider both take up pollens from flowers – one makes honey and one makes poison. It’s same for a book and its reader. How you interpret and use the knowledge is completely on you”. I don’t know how much scientifically correct that is, but the essence is what changed a part of me. He was a very well read man. He is unfortunately no more but what he said to me will be there forever. That is what books do. They educate us, make us live forever in our own little way. Changing the way someone looks at the world, making them better human beings is the best we can do in life. And books help us do that.

To me, being well read is a good thing. But I feel I am loosing that habit too. These days, movies and series have taken over. Some of my friends argue, “When a Harry Potter movie can be watched in three hours maximum, why waste three days on reading the book? It saves time and these days time is essence.”  Strong logic. But to me, they are fast food. They might save money and time but it’s not healthy in the long run. It creates a literary epidemic. They might give us the same moral of the story but those beautiful strings of thoughts that express those morals can never be expressed in a movie. When we imagine the written words in our minds, it is our own and always I find is much better than someone else’s imagination that they put in movies. At least, Aragorn was much more handsome in my imagination (No offense to Viggo Mortensen. He is still the best) and so was Kakababu (again, no offense to Prosenjit Chatterjee)!! And most importantly, like slow food is always good for health of the stomach for the long haul, books are good for intellectual health of the mind.

And that’s why it makes me sad to see the school going kids today so engrossed in their text books that they don’t have time to read anything else. They have much higher IQ than what I had in that age and can grasp a lot more but have no time to be philosophical. They have to continuously input data in their brains to fare well in the rat race, to be better than the others. I am not criticizing anything. I know how hard it is to make a living these days. I am more or less of the same generation and do understand how tough the competition is. But sometimes I wonder, is that all it is to life? We fight tooth and nail to be an well oiled machine. I sometimes think may be if I had spent less times reading story books and more on text books, I would have done better. But that’s not regret, just a passing thought. I had friends with very good results and were very well read. It’s all about time management and guidance. Very few people tell the kids to read a story unless it is for an assignment or is included in the syllabus. They read novels included in syllabus not to enjoy but to score better. I didn’t start reading by myself. A neighborhood grandmother of mine inspired me. She would let me borrow books from her and that’s how I started getting interested. From there I never stopped. And I would be forever grateful to her for that.

I am not saying I am a well read person. What I have read in all these years of my life might be a drop in the ocean of literary works around the world, may be less than that. But what I am trying to say is, it is a very good feeling. Every time we read a book, our mind expands a little, we know a little bit more and be a little bit better than before. Good books build bridges to unknown worlds and realms. And sometimes, they just become the best part of our lives.

Just a thought :)

Is ethics overrated?

I may still be rosy-eyed about how the world should be as opposed to what it is and live in my sweet bubble; you may call me oblivious or just stupid – but I still will think that as humans we have the moral obligation to be just and fair. Especially for those of us in academics, we should practice what we preach.

I am still new to this world of academics, writing papers in peer reviewed journals, book chapters, attending conferences – in a word, building my career. But one thing I have learned very quickly is that we can’t judge a book by its cover. Qualifications does not build character here, rather they un-build it. Everyone is busy increasing the number of their publications, very few bother about the actual brains behind those. I have been taught about the importance of ethics in courses and I have seen the same person who taught it be as unethical as he can be. I have worked my ass off on projects and then have seen people take credit for it in publications and giving me some cock and bull story for it. I have lost my sleep wondering how they sleep at night and realised that it does not matter after all. All that matters is the number of publication one has. But then again, I am still new to this world.

The problem is, it is not just my concern, it is the concern of many other students like me. We blame the system for it, we blame the moral codes of academicians in India. I pretty much believe that’s why innovation in our country is stuck. The older generation of academicians have had their share of innovative ideas and golden days but right now are busy cashing in from the brains of their students, trainees and interns while young students like us are tired of injustice and have completely stopped thinking. When I say this, I am not talking about the 1.2 billion in our country but just a few whom you can count in your fingers. But I believe the handful still matters. I matter. It is not like we are Pulitzer or Nobel or Man Booker materials but that does not stop what’s ours from being ours! 

Some might say, why don’t you protest or talk about it? It’s not that easy. We are here to build a career and you can’t live in the waters and fight with the crocodiles. Practically, sometimes the answer is just adapting to it. One might say, if you can’t fight, don’t complain. May be they are right. May be they are not.  But the more important question here is what can be done about it? I believe ethics should be a more important part of Moral Sciences course in schools to educate the kids about its importance in life; we, the young researchers can take a vow to be ethical in our future and not just run after fame. Bust most important of all, we should start practicing our own preachings. Once I read a quote by Priyavrat Thareja, “If ethics is not the engine of success, in the train of growth, it sure is a guard, with a flag, which may be green or at times red”. Unfortunately for some of our predecessors the guard has been run over. But let’s not be such reckless drivers in our future. As Nelson Mandela said, “Sometimes it falls upon a generation to be great”. It’s not a liability; it’s our duty to acknowledge others. We don’t develop individually, we are better together. So let’s be great TOGETHER!!!

That's the girl in me talking...

I am a Goddess!!!

OK. Let me explain.

See, where I come from (India), women are worshipped and highly respected as mother, sister and wife. We are placed on a high pedestal and the men want us to stay there. But that’s not an easy job! We need constant protection from all the evil in the world (Nah! We are not the weapon-wielding, evil banishing Goddesses you see in Indian mythology. That won’t serve the purpose per se. It’s the pure, marvellous, unselfish, all-suffering, ever-forgiving ones I am talking about) and obviously, the men cannot rely on our ‘woman-brains’ to think for ourselves.  And so, the Indian men have taken upon themselves the herculean job of protecting the sanctity of Indian women.

One must be wondering how they carry out this job! Well, let me tell you they have performed wonderfully till now! For example, girls are not allowed to go to the neighbourhood shops alone. Why? Well, for the obvious reason that she is a girl!!! But it’s fine if she is protected and accompanied by her five year old brother or cousin. BTW, they have the full support of the mother and aunts in the family. So you see, men are taught early on in their lives the most important lesson – women need their protection. And they do their duty throughout their lives. They decide what type of clothes the girls/women should wear, whom they should go out with, what friends they should keep, what profession they should choose, and so on. Can you imagine all the time they have to put into thinking all that? 

Now, as hopeless we women are, we continuously make their job harder! We want to work, we want to have fun at parties, we want to wear short dresses, and what not (and that too when men are trying so hard to maintain our Goddess status! Isn’t it just outrageous?). So the men have to come out with new ways to keep us in line. Recently I was told by a very educated person that all the rapes and sexual assaults on women in our country are very much justified. Shell shocked? No, that was not my response! See, he explained it to me in fair details as I am going to do now. Well, it starts with Mother Nature. She made us women physically incapable of doing anything by ourselves. Can we work in construction? No. Can we go run a corporate house? No. Can we earn a living for ourselves? No. Can we do grocery shopping for the house? No. Pay the bills, drive a car, go out of the house after sunset? No, no and NO! Still, despite the best efforts of men, many women do so, right? Actually, as it turns out, men regret that very much as they want every woman to be inside the house leading a comfortable and protected life. 

But whimsical women!! So, men have to stare at their body, grope them and objectify them if they go out in broad daylight to creep them out of coming out of the house at all. Eve-teasing has the same motive. And rapes! Many respected personalities of the country have made that clear already. ‘Have you ever heard of a respectable woman getting raped?’ Also, a video by AIB titled ‘It’s your fault, Ladies” starring actor Kalki Koechlin and VJ Juhi Pandey explain in details how rapes are women’s fault. As the educated man mentioned above explains, a girl going out at night partying has no right complaining about rape if that happens to her. If a girl is partying late in the evening or if she drinks, she deserves to get raped (but it is OK to go to a party with husband or brother). And is not that what she does every day in the first place? How else do you party?? Rape is not an assault; it’s a correctional measure in India for those inglorious women who do not understand their position in the society. And yeah, women should stop complaining about rapes when they happen. As the man asks, (actually, most men have the same question it turns out) why don’t women rape men instead? Then probably the men will stop. Well the answer is we can’t. We are not physically strong enough to do that. And just because we can’t do something, there is no reason to complain about those who can. That’s just so immature!! So, women should stop whining and comply. And on the same note, when a woman is not ashamed of herself after such an incident, takes it in her stride just like she would have done if she was bitten by a stray dog instead, she has no right to complain because that means she enjoyed it!! (I don’t get the logic here but that’s not the guy’s fault! After all I have a woman’s brain, right?). When such incidents happen to a child or a 70 years old woman, they have good reasons then too. It’s just that I forgot to ask. Again, a woman’s brain. Phew!!

What happens when women are allowed to think for themselves? Well, India will become like American and European countries! Yeah..that’s it. Why, this isn't a good enough reason for you? Have you seen the way women live in those countries? They wear whatever they want, do whatever job they want, marry whoever they like, literally divorce when they are not compatible with their spouse, the children do not live with their parents their whole life (that’s despicable and totally women’s fault I am telling you!!) - in a nut shell they live their life!! That’s not Goddess-ly at all. Have you seen the women decently covered from head to toe, silently doing the bidding of the male members of the households, not going to schools or colleges or working and earning for that matter to challenge the authority of the male heads – that should be the ideal image of a woman!! And believe me, many Indian men are working very hard to achieve that goal.

So, this brings me to my first sentence. I am a Goddess. I have been the woman who listens, and the best part, never complains!! That was all I could do to make their job easier. The men in our lives (father, brothers, husband, uncles, neighbours, moral police, etc.) work their asses off (pardon my French) to protect us and keep us in our 'pedestal'. They don’t want us to come down and toil hard to achieve our dreams but to be comfortable and depend on them for all we want. But then again, haven’t they done enough? I think the least we can do to thank them for their hard work of last hundreds of years is to now reverse our positions and put them in that respected place and give them the same comfort that they have provided us with.

Is that too much to ask?